By Nate Bernstein
These days, global warming is a hot, fiery topic, especially in California… So, it makes sense that we need to figure out how to save our planet, right? Well, here’s a comprehensive list of things we can all do to prevent global warming:
- Send a Swedish girl to yell loudly at seemingly every global conference. Her recent use of research that climate change is shrinking penis size has the majority of her supporters even more concerned for the longevity of… the Earth. By inviting a loud child to world conferences, we can stop making progress, and start making front-page news!
- Remove Snoop Dogg’s ability to smoke. And his royal Highness really is selfish. There are kids in China who are suffocating from smoke pollution… and Snoop says, “Challenge accepted.” This one is especially important, as nobody can out-smoke Snoop Dogg, though China has most certainly tried. Where did all the smoke come from? Neither China nor Snoop can remember. Since China produces about 10.06 gigatons of pollution a year, Snoop Dogg must be producing more, cause that’s just how the world works dawg… Let’s be blunt, nobody out-smokes Snoop Dogg, so he must be stopped.
- Leave your refrigerator doors open at all times. This method is kind of obvious, as almost every American has one or more fridges, depending on the level of alcoholic the homeowner is. Refrigerators cool the air down, so if we put together a group effort, we could significantly reduce the air temperature, and reduce global warming. In fact, this strategy has already been implemented by every woman experiencing menopause. I do believe that this effort is planned for April 1st, 2022, so keep your ears open for more to come.
- Nuke major cities across the globe. By nuking the majority of the world’s population, we would have a large decrease in population, and hence a large decrease in pollution. The process would create a large amount of short-term pollution, but as a long-term solution, we could cut our emissions down by almost half, not to mention no longer having to provide the billions of tons of food to cities.
- Force the world to become vegan. Since livestock is the cause of a large amount of pollution, we could all be forced to never enjoy food again! This would cripple the economy in small towns, and cause a food shortage of the likes we haven’t seen since the middle ages. However, we would reduce our emissions drastically, and stimulate the black market for burgers…
- Put your air conditioner units outside. Similar to the refrigerator method, by cooling the world off we can eliminate global warming, and what better way to do so than using our modern inventions! Since these units typically just run from an electric socket, we can cool the world without burning any fuel or creating any emissions! This is a fool-proof way to lower the world’s temperature while being net-zero pollution-wise.
- One highly discussed method would also be to use our home ice-makers, and fill the ocean, like one big igloo cooler. If everyone in the world contributed 12 ice cubes we would have almost 93 billion ice cubes, we would have 2.23 million tons of ice, which is just enough to put us where we were about 20 years prior. By doing this, we not only give ourselves 20 extra years to figure out a long term solution, but we can just repeat the process infinitely to give ourselves more time.
- Fart-absorbing underwear. Now, this might sound even crazier than the previous suggestions, but it’s actually one of the most practical. Humans across the planet release 73 metric tonnes of methane by farting every day. That’s around 27 thousand tons of methane every year, which is actually a large contribution to our overall methane production. By creating and using fart-absorbing underwear, you not only remove the embarrassment of someone smelling your nasty fart in public, but also save the planet! Additionally, this type of underwear can be quite lucrative on the second-hand market when sold by Belle Delphine…
- Force the entire population to become Amish. By eliminating electricity and modern innovations, we would return to an age where pollution isn’t a problem. Kids would understand the value of hard work, and would learn to churn butter in the process. As Weird Al Yankovic once said, “We’re gonna party like it’s 1699,” because we won’t have to worry about anything except where our next meal is coming from.
- Remove fun. The world economy is heavily influenced by tourism and activities that people enjoy. Because of people enjoying themselves, air travel is used, creating large amounts of pollution, and burning fossil fuels. Similarly, cars that use large amounts of fuel to create large amounts of power for the enjoyment of the driver need to be banned. Amusement parks and go-karting tracks also are a waste. They burn fossil fuels, literally only for the purpose of fun. Overall, fun is bad for the environment, so logically, we must stop.
There you have it, a comprehensive list of ways we can all band together to stop global warming entirely. Just imagine if we used every single one of these methods at the same time. We could all be miserable Amish people using our air conditioners and refrigerators to better the planet! Not to mention, you’d never have to worry about farting in class ever again. Overall, these methods compiled here have given an optimistic view on how we can better the future of our planet and the lives of those who manage to survive the nuclear holocaust.
DISCLAIMER: This article is completely satire, and in no way represents the author’s actual viewpoints in any manner whatsoever. It is not recommended that anyone attempt any of these suggestions, especially becoming vegan.
Mr. Bernstein is a Freshman at Chapman University studying Computer Engineering.